Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
