Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
