You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
