He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
