I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
