life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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