I cannot find my penis.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
