It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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