Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
