party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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