at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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