I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
