I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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