I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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