this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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