I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
