I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
