I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
