cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I wear drunk well.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
