if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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