Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
