totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
