you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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