Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
