I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
