come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
