just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
