I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
