They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
