The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
