Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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