Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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