my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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