Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
