Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
