Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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