If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just pee around me
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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