The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
