and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize