My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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