my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
