the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
