She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
