i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
