My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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