oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
