So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
