i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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