Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
