i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
