"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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