You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
