what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
