Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
