PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
