I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize
